this is not the end {it's not the end of}

If Frodo was surprised before, it was nothing compared to how he felt at the Uchitel's sudden show of affection. His body relaxed a bit and he put his arms around her, effectively hugging her back.

"It wasn't a first degree murder of sorts. He was cheating on her for a while and when she found out, she committed suicide," he exhaled deeply and he felt himself trembling.

He shook his head at her apology. "It's fine; you meant what you said."

"I don't want to stop talking to you Lena," he told softly, still looking at her. "I just want you to corporate with me here because ultimately, we both have to face the consequences and I don't want it to be even worse for us."

When Frodo had embraced her, Lena wasn't sure what to feel. Happiness, or sudden sympathy?

The beating of her heart told her it was the latter.

Lena shook her head out of anger, or out of sadness, she wasn't sure. She thought of all the times she had wanted to commit suicide. She still does, actually, but it wasn't something she spent every waking moment on. "Shit," she spat, "I'm a douche, aren't I?"

The Uchitel just nodded, staring at her brother. "I know," she muttered, "I'm scared, Frodo. I'm scared of this mess. I'm scared that something will happen to Rhys or Anya or Rose, and this time I can't be there to save any of them." She abruptly thought of Vanka's drowning, something she had pushed aside for quite some time.

Frodo continued to hold onto the Uchitel, his heart feeling heavy, yet his mind trying to reach out to the calmness and serenity. This was all getting too much for him.

This reminded him of all the times he and Lena would just laugh and talk and tease each other about whatever.

"You're not a douche Le," he murmured. "You're far from it. Everyone has faults, you and me aren't exceptions." He sighed, "Even if I may not understand why you did what you did or said, I'll just take it as a mistake from your part."

Not taking his eyes of her, he said, "I'm not going to lie to you and say it'll be fine, because it won't, at least in the beginning. But we'll get through this, alright?"

He couldn't imagine the thought of Kait hating him or Lena.

"I know that Anya can't hate forever and your family will be there to take care of you Le, but I don't know what I'll do once I do tell her," his voice going hoarse.

The Uchitel merely fluttered her eyes once, trying to get both the dirt and the tears out of her eyes. She yearned to break down and cry, but the part of her that she hadn't seen ever since she left for Hogwarts told her it was a stupid thing to do.

Merlin, she missed that part of her. Yes, she was a worse person back then, but the part was that the person back then didn't give a flying fish about what people thought of her.

If only she could be that young and stupid again.

"I hate being me, sometimes," admitted Lena, her voice grave, "why are you so understanding, Frodo? I don't get you sometimes... we both know I'm better than this but you still forgive me anyway. I don't get it..."

The blonde shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know either. I'll leave it to En - I mean, the ones above to figure out her response."

"Hey, just because you make a few stupid mistakes here and there doesn't mean you have to hate yourself," Frodo told in a firm voice, pulling away to look at the blonde.

He ran his hand through his hair, wondering how exactly to answer the question. Why was he so understanding and forgiving? Maybe he shouldn't be so anymore, people might take advantage and it'd be too late before he realized it.

"I honestly don't know Le. It's probably because of my mother I'm like this," he responded with a small smile. "Or it's probably because of the fact that I hate to see the people I care in pain, whether it's their fault or not."

The Uchitel tapped her finger impatiently on her hip to show that she really, really didn't give a flying fuck. Honestly, she shouldn't, because Frodo knew her well enough to know that every mistake she made was, in one way or another, going to affect her largely sometime in her life.

"What don't you understand about the word perfectionist?" spat the blonde, muttering bitterly towards herself and Frodo.

"You're so sheltered," snapped Lena, running her hand through her hair because she was sure she was going to have a panic attack sooner or later, "honestly, I can only be this understanding to Rosie, Rhys or Anya... anyone else, it's like, bitch no! I'm not taking your excuses!"

"In case you didn't know Lena, life is not so perfect that you can be a perfectionist along with it," Frodo replied and sighed. "Why do you always overwork yourself by trying so hard? Just let go for once."

"If I knew it was such a big problem for you to understand me, I never would have suggested it," he told, his voice going quieter, as he slid down the shelf and sat on the ground, his eyes closed.

Most of my family is just as good as dead, Kait is going to hate me and Lena doesn't care. Yeah, life is good, he thought sarcastically.

"You can't, but you can always try," Lena argued, voice poisoned with contempt. She began to put her arms around her waist in an attempt to hold back and take deep breaths, "Do you know how difficult it is for me to relax like a normal teenager? I don't think I've ever been very relaxed unless Rhys had his arms around me."

The Uchitel brushed her hair out of her face and buried it in her hands. "God, I'm sorry. Just... I'm sorry. I apologize. I should be dead," she whispered, feeling her emotions radiate out of her body.

"Why try for something that makes you exhausted all the time?" Frodo asked. "The people who really care about you don't mind if you mess up here and there or once in a while, it's what makes you human." He wanted to explain to the Uchitel so bad, wanted to make this right for both of them.

"I don't think any of us have relaxed like normal teenagers in a while," he muttered as he thought of all their friends. Seemed like everyone had lots to deal with.

He opened his eyes and looked up at the blonde. "You don't have to apologize everytime if you're going to keep on saying things like that," he told quietly. "I know you may not be meaning all those comments, but just stop, because I'm doing my best to understand."

"I don't want you to die, I want us to be brother and sister again. Is that possible?" He asked calmly, his gaze on her having softened lightly.

"Exhaustion..." began Lena gravely, pausing for a few moments just so she could escape to the Dreamtrails and come back, "have you ever felt like you can't do anything anymore? Like you've done a marathon, when all you can do is drop down dead? I know how stupid this sounds but when I feel like that... it feels like I've... I don't know, accomplished something. I can't stand to be useless, and you know it as much as I do."

A sudden thought flickered through the Uchitel's mind, and it almost disturbed her. "I don't know what normal is anymore, Frodo," she admitted without hesitance, "I really, really don't."

Frodo's soft gaze on her made the blonde's inside turn to jelly, and she flung around him and burst into tears. "Of course!" she sobbed, "I'd do anything for us to be like brother-sister again!"

Frodo chuckled humourlessly at the Uchitel's question. "Of course I have felt like that! You have no idea how many times I've wanted to just drop dead so my heart can finally stop suffering." He sighed and told the girl, "You know what, Le? Trying so hard to be a perfectionist is not the only way to be useful. So what if you mess up? That doesn't make you useless. At all."

"None of us what is normal anymore," he whispered brokenly, surprised by the tone in his own voice.

He hugged her back tight and let a small smile grace his lips. "Seems like we end up in the same position always," he said with a teasing grin, referring to her being in his lap. Looking at her, he became serious once more and wiped away her tears. "No matter what happens between you and Kait, I can't abandon either of you. So don't think for one second that you are alone. You are not, and neither is she." The Hitrost told quietly.

"I know you're right, but I can't agree with you, I'm afraid," breathed the Uchitel. Her heart was lighter, just a tiny bit, "my heart knows that, but it can't bring itself to know that I'm not useless if I screw up my inferiority complex is the size of Russia, and plus... I've never been very confident ever since I didn't question my sobriety."

Lena firmly nodded, "I don't know whether to laugh at cry at what you just said."

The blonde frowned at her friend, "That sounded really naughty, you know that?" She then nodded, "I know you won't ever leave my side, nor hers, but a part of me will never believe that." She then pulled back neatened her hair with her hands. "Thank you, Fro," she whispered, "for forgiving me for doing the stupidest thing ever."

Frodo nodded his head in understanding. "It's alright if you don't agree with me, as long as you know what it is I'm trying to say. But if there ever comes a time worse than this, just remember that you don't need to do every single thing right. The more you try, the more you'll fall apart one day."

He rolled his eyes good naturedly, a light blush on his cheeks. "You know I didn't mean it like that," he muttered. "Of course, I can't stay mad at you forever," he chuckled. "Just know I'm there if you need me."

Helping the blonde stand up, he stood up himself and looked at her and smiled. "So, I guess I better get going. But I'm glad things are okay between us. It is, right?"

"One day?" the blonde echoed, taking a deep breath, "I think I've already fallen apart more times than I can remember." She pensively counted the amount of times she had fallen apart: the time Vanka died, when Leon attacked her, when she broke up with Rhys, when her disease came back, and... well, there was now.

They say that it takes ten times to put yourself together as it does to fall apart. Lena would put that figure close to a hundredfold.

Nodding, Lena added, "See you at school, yeah?" Now, it was the Uchitel's turn to stand up and leave the store. Finally. One of her questions, ultimately answered. Frodo can now leave her mind in peace.