Evelina, kultaseni, My Darling

Nikkala Home - Finland
Mid to late September, 2044

The nausea was the least of her problems. Or more accurately, it was her problem - but merely the tip of the iceberg.

It was a symptom, not a cause.

The little piece of plastic in her hand grinned at her, a bright pink dancing up at her like a celebration. She didn't understand it. How could something so mundane, so completely harmless ruin her life so completely? It was just a piece of plastic.

It was supposed to be harmless.

But it wasn't.

"Kallie! Kallie! Move your arse! I need to get in there!"

The bang on the door startled her, causing her to drop the item in her hand. She couldn't bring herself to pick it up. She didn't want to look at it anymore.

"Not now Papa!" her voice cracked, long blonde hair hanging limply over her pale face as she fell forward. She couldn't deal with her drunk father. Not now, not on top of-

It had to be a mistake. That was it! Just a mistake made by faulty Muggle merchandise. If she could just get a hold of a magical version, she was sure this would all be straightened out. It would give her the right response. It would be -

Who was she kidding?

This wasn't a mistake. She had known what she was going to find. It had just been a confirmation of what she hadn't wanted to admit.

Three months.

She had hardly noticed she missed it the first month. The second time had gone by with a slight frown, but she had pushed it aside.

But three months -

She threw up.

Three months, that had been about as long as it had been since she'd last seen him. Three months practically to the day since she last saw his head disappear from the dock. A couple weeks over three months since he had last held her, kissed her lips - acted as if she had mattered. A few weeks more than that and they had -

Her stomach lurched again, but nothing came up. There was nothing left in her stomach anyways.

Four months. It had been nearly four months since she had -

"Brock." The name came out of her mouth nearly as a groan, as she pressed her face into the cold bathroom floor.

How had this happened to her? How had she been so careless to-? How had she not thought -?

Alone.

Suddenly, she had never felt more alone. Now that she technically wasn't.

She had to tell him. It was his right to know. No matter how painful it might, could, would be for her - surely he'd moved on with his life, forgotten about her - she would have to find him ad -

No.

She couldn't ruin his life with this. The boy had had a enough trouble trying to commit to her (He couldn't even say-) what would he do if she dropped a baby in his lap?

Oh god!

The girl let out another groan, almost as if she were in pain, and curled in on herself. She wasn't even aware of the tears leaking out of her eyes. She wasn't aware of anything except that one fact that had suddenly struck her with complete clarity.

She was pregnant.

Kallie Nikkala was going to have a baby.

There were of course other options, but even in her heightened distressed she knew she wouldn't be able to go through with it. Life was inside of her now, and she'd never be able to get over that fact to -

But...

What would she do with a baby? What kind of life would she be able to give a child? She was barely more than a child herself - a child who had played at grown up games.

And now she had grown up problems she'd never be able to deal with.

Even if she could find Brock, convince him to stay, how did that make any better of a life? He was hardly much older than herself and everyone knew she had always been the more serious of the two.

Maybe that made him better equipped to handle this. He'd make a good father. She could feel that in her bones. But what about her... she couldn't see herself as a mother. She was too-

What kind of mother would she be? Surely she would ruin a child.

Perhaps a baby would force Brock to grow up, be responsible, make an effort. But even that...

Maybe they'd both be able to get low paying dead end jobs, make ends meet, and barely get by. They'd be a family, sure, and they'd probably be happy for a while - but would it last? How could it last? They'd soon resent each other - god forbid, maybe even the child - for the lives they ended up with, for missed opportunities. Fighting. Anger. Hate. Pain.

It would just be her childhood all over again. A different problem, but the same -

No.

She could not do that to this child, her child. It was simply not an option. A child deserved a proper family, and a happy life - it deserved parents that were mature enough to take it in, help the child grow up.

They couldn't still be growing up themselves.

Love wasn't enough.

No.

If she really wanted to do the best for her child, she couldn't keep it. She could not raise her child and ruin its life.

And as for Brock -

"Kallie Anneli Nikkala!" her father had gotten fed up with waiting, his voice raising to a dangerous level as he began to pound repeatedly on the door. "Get your ass out here or I'll knock down this door!"

She couldn't stay here. It had been hard enough to deal with her parents before, but now...

and the rest of the town?

No, she simply could not walk amongst these people that she had grown up with once she started to show - to really show, not the slight bump she had been ignoring for a week or so.

She had money. She could just -

"KALLIE!!"

Pulling herself off the floor, careful to stash the pregnancy test below other things in the garbage - not that she really thought her father would notice even if she waved it in his face - the girl slammed the door open, glaring at the man who was leaning against the wall as if it was the only thing holding him up right. It probably was.

"I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone in my life," her voice was flat and cold. Not the voice of a spiteful, irrational child, but of true pure hate, "I use to feel sorry for you, or wish for you to change but- you and mama ruined my life - you ruined me. I didn't learn anything from you - nothing but how not to raise a child, and how to hate."

Pushing past the man who was probably far too drunk, or hung over, to actually understand her words, she stormed to her room, smashing the door behind her before she proceeded to throw all of her valued possessions onto her bed.

She was leaving. Tonight. She would take her money - it was hers, she was the one who had worked for it - and leave. She'd take a bus to where ever the next one was going, somewhere where no one would know who she was. She had enough to get a small place, to get by for a week or so. She'd get a job, and - and-

Her parents would have to get by on their own, keep their own lives together. She couldn't deal with them anymore.

Kallie had get her own life together.

She had her child to take care of.

Small apartment,
Random city in Finland
Christmas Eve, 2044

The small apartment was dark except for the slow alternating blinking of the old Christmas lights strung on the small tree in the corner of the room. It had been one of the only frivolous purchases the young girl sitting in the lone chair with a hand resting on her protruding abdomen had allowed herself. Money was always tight, but she couldn't imagine Christmas without a tree, even if there were no presents underneath it.

The only thing that kept the room from being completely silent was the soft scratchy crooning of Christmas carols, being emitted from an old dying Muggle radio.

On the table in front of her sat a half finished letter, her neat careful scrawl was crossed out more than it was visible, giving the page a distinct messy, distracted look that the usually meticulous girl would never allow. Had this been under normal circumstances, that is. But it hadn't been normal circumstances for a long time.

- Brock
How have you been?
I hope you've had a good Holi
I'm sure you'd rather not be hearing from me.
I love you
I miss you
I'm pregnant.

She had stopped after that statement. Was there really anything else to say? She had tried to write this many times, even on the occasions she had finished a letter she didn't completely hate, she could bring herself to send it. Not that she knew where to send it, but that wasn't a true obstacle, just an excuse. Kallie knew that if she really tried she'd be able to find the man. The same would go for him. They knew each other. It wouldn't be that hard.

But she was terrified. Terrified of how he'd react, how she'd react. Kallie was just all around terrified.

Discarding the letter she looked down at her stomach, a slight smile spreading across her face as she felt the soft flutter of her baby moving. She recalled how frightened she had been the first time she had felt it. It had almost sent her into a panic attack. One of the older waitresses at the diner had had to calm her down, explain that it was perfectly normal.

Now she wasn't sure what she would do without that feeling every day.

"We would have had a great first Christmas, you know, My Darling," her tone was soft and wistful, her brown eyes looking out unseeingly, "Brock would have been so excited. He would want to get you to do everything, show you everything - I'd have to remind him you're not even a year old yet. He never had parents you know - You'd be his world... and I'm taking that from him."

She closed her eyes against the tears she didn't want to shed, but could feel coming just the same.

"I wish I was brave enough to tell him, Darling, I really wish I was. I know he'd want you... but I'm too weak - I don't know about me... I don't know if he'd want me. I never understood how he wanted me in the first place. My own parents didn't want me - they wanted my sister back, but they didn't want me. Mama couldn't even remember my name half the time."

Kallie bit her lip as she looked at the tree. Below her hand the baby had stopped moving; she liked to think that meant she was listening.

"Oh god, please don't think that I don't want you, Darling. I want nothing more in the world than to keep you, but I wouldn't be any good for you. Even if Brock still wanted me -

"I wouldn't be a good mother at all; I don't know how to... . Maybe someday I'd be better for you, I won't have so many problems. But by then it will be too late. You'll be someone else's, and have forgotten about me."

Her voice cracked, and she was silent for a long time, her shoulders shaking but not a sound coming it. When she finally spoke again, her voice had a rough edge to it, husky, like she was still fighting back emotion.

"I met them, your parents. They're very nice, sweet. They want you very much. You'll like them, Darling, I promise, and although I'll miss you every day, miss those Christmases and Birthdays, you'll be better off. They have good jobs, enough money to take care of you, and they don't have my problems. They'll love you very, very much."

She swallowed and let out a sigh.

"I wished they'd take me too."

Behind her the radio crackled and died leaving her in silence. Sucking on her lip, she looked back down at the paper again before quickly scratching her name and current address on the bottom. Folding it up she placed it in her pocket.

She'd get it to him. She would.

She'd stop being afraid, and she'd just... do it.

Somehow.

Even at the time part of her knew that was a lie.

The grandfather clock clanged loudly announcing to the world that it was midnight, the start of a new day.

Christmas day.

Kallie had to push back the thought that this would be the only Christmas she and her baby got. She couldn't even go near the thought that Brock wasn't going to get any.

Hugging her arms around her bump, she gave it a sad smile.

"Merry Christmas, My Darling."

Random City in Finland
March 3rd, 2045,
Mid afternoon

Pain. It started with pain. Work had been an unwise choice, so late in her pregnancy. One would have thought anyone the size she was, and with her feet protesting almost every step, would have found that conclusion.

But then again, perhaps she always knew. Kallie Nikkala was known for being a wise young girl, at any age in her life; undoubtfully she would have known the hazards of stubbornly continuing to work so close to ones due date. In the end, it could have been that she merely knew the hazards of going into labour alone would have been far more dangerous.

Fear.

That's what followed swiftly on the heels of the pain. A gripping pain grabbing a hold of her - the first of many contractions - causing the plates she had been carrying to shatter across the floor, and then the panic.

Pain she'd have been able to handle, but not -

"Brock."

Her lips formed the word, the name before her brain had even processed having the thought. She hadn't told him. Why hadn't she told him? It was almost too late.

She needed him.

She couldn't -

This wouldn't -

Her face paled as warmth spread through her - or more specifically out of her. She knew what the stain growing on the front of her uniform was.

The pain could have been ignored. Explained away.

But this, this-

The girl didn't move. She hadn't moved since the first contraction, red pasta sauce splattering the floor around her like a murder scene, the customers murmuring with curiosity, concern, and most of all excitement. She should move, she should do something. But she couldn't. Kallie just couldn't.

She didn't know what to do. Planning, reading, practicing, thinking- none of it mattered now. She couldn't remember any of it. Only one thought entered her head, and actually stayed there.

She was going to have a baby.

Brock's baby.

Alone

She was alone because she didn't tell him.

She had just made the biggest mistake of her life.

It could have been quite possible that the young woman - child really, there was no point in lying about it. Kallie never denied what she was, how ill equipped she was to handle all of this - would have had the baby right there, never moving from the spot, if it hadn't been for Clarice. The kindly older woman, who had long since taken the young obviously distressed and struggling girl under her wing, bustled over to where Kallie stood horrified to the spot, and anchored her to the world once more. An act that she would later come to never forget.

"Come now, Chit, you can't just stand there all day - don't want to have that baby of yours right here in the store do you?"

"I didn't tell him. I didn't -"

"It just started now, silly. There's no way you could have told him yet."

Kallie shook her head. They didn't understand, how could they understand? What kind of monster - "No! He doesn't know. He doesn't know! At all! I was too scared - I wasn't brave enough to- I couldn't- I couldn't! - I didn't tell him. I didn't tell him."

Her voice shrunk as she slipped into her mind, only coming back to the world to cry out in pain as her muscles flexed, spasmed, moved once more.

The baby was coming.

And she hadn't told him.

It was going to be too late. The baby would be gone, never known.

And she would be alone.

"And how are we-"

A slim hand with more strength than it appeared to have reached out pulling the young nurse towards her. She had no memory of arriving at the hospital, nor any idea where Clarice had gone, though she supposed the older woman couldn't afford to miss any shifts out of slight compassion and a lot of pity.

All she knew was that she was alone.

And a mistake had to be amended.

"Find him," she snarled at the man she had pulled towards her, "I will not let him not -. Brock. Brock Cox, if you have any ability in that half-wit brain of yours you will help me fix this, and you will find him."

The man was paler than herself. Fear etched in his features, it was obvious that he was cursing his job. He hadn't been trained to deal with this.

With her break down.

If only Kallie knew that the pain was just beginning .

"If you could just tell us where-"

"I don't know!" she let go of the man, curling in on herself as pain wracked through her again, "I don't know! Don't you think I would have told - I don't- I don't-"

Her mumblings broke off into sobs. How did they think she was supposed to do this? How had she thought she'd be able to do this? How-?

Movement.

Through all the pain, and unnatural - Unfamiliar, not unnatural - feelings she managed to feel it. Perhaps it had just been in her head, but it was there none the less.

It reminded her.

A tiny kick, a shift.

Her child.

That was how she was supposed to do it. It wasn't about her. Never about her. Maybe she couldn't do this for herself, couldn't do it alone. But it wasn't about her.
A shaking hand was placed on her abdomen, as close to her child as she could get, for now.

She wasn't alone.

Muggle Hospital
Random City in Finland
March 4th, 2045,
Early Morning (about 1 am)

Perfection.

Kallie had never understood that word until this moment. Her mind could never wrap itself around the concept that someone would be vain enough to not only come up with, but use, a word that meant to have no flaws - at all. Everything in the world had faults, that was what made it human, made it alive. But where she sat now, long blonde hair limp and clinging to her sticky face, her body in more pain than she had ever known, but too exhausted to comprehend it, the young woman could not come with up any other word but that.

Perfection.

The impossibly small creature in her arms was perfection in its purest forms

Life.

Life she had given.

And was not going to risk messing it up.

As she sat there holding her child, her darling little girl, she knew no matter how much pain it might cause her later, she had made the correction decision.

Still.

That didn't make the thought of letting her go any easier. In fact, at the moment she wasn't even sure that she could. Nothing ever seemed to fit in her arms, as well as that girl did. So snug, so warm, not fussing, not crying, just looking up at her with big brown eyes.

" Pium, paum! kehto heilahtaa,," her voice was soft as she sung the words from long ago. How old had she been when her mother last sung that song, before she had been too lost to remember Kallie or the words. " kun lapsi viattomana nukahtaa."

The only thing keeping the moment from being as perfect as the being in her arms was that she had no one to share it with. Brock had never been found. Though now that she had come down from most of her panic - what energy did she have left to waste on panic? - she could see how hopeless that would have been. Muggles wouldn't have been able to do that. But it would be okay, the Moffetts had been contacted, they would understand. She was still theirs nothing she or Brock would change that, but he had a right to see her.

To say hello.

And goodbye.

"You're going to grow up to be so wonderful darling, so perfectly wonderful," she bounced the girl softly in her arms, "You will be strong, and caring, and good. You'll have lived a good life. I know you won't understand it until you're sitting here yourself one day, but this is the only way I can give you any of that."

The girl scrunched up her face, looking as if she was going to cry out again, but instead let out a soft coo, shaking her tiny clenched fist and those brown eyes drifted shut.

"Oh my darling, you're the best thing I ever did. I can risk screwing this up. I want you so much it hurts, but I'm not ready for you, not right now."

Slowly easing herself up, she settled the now sleeping child into the hospital cradle, kissing and caressing her head softly before wheeling it beside her own bed.

"I love you so much, if you can remember anything from this... I hope you remember that." Laying down again, she tried to fight her closing eyes, "My Angel, My Darling - My Evelina."

A few months earlier
To Mr. and Mrs. Moffett


"I panic. It's a condition I cannot help. I lose control and I panic. Please don't let me do that to you. No matter what I may do in the moment, she's yours. Take her. If there is a way to do it without me panicking, without me knowing, please don't think of me. Don't wait. Take that opportunity. Take her.

"You're better for her than I am. I understand that.

"Take her."

Muggle Hospital
Random City in Finland
March 4th, 2045,
Late afternoon/early evening


Something wasn't right. Before she even opened her eyes she knew that. Something was off - wrong, missing.

The last conclusion had her sitting up with a jolt, fear etched on her still tired face. Kallie couldn't explain how she knew, how she could tell that she wasn't there anymore when she had only had less than a day to get use to the idea that she was there at all, but it didn't matter, she knew. Even before her gaze fell on the empty cradle, she had known.

Just like all those months ago when she had been staring dead-eyed at a pregnancy test, the empty cradle wasn't the acquisition of knowledge, it was merely the confirmation of it.

They had done it; the Moffetts had come, just as she had told them to , had come when seh was asleep and taken her.

They had taken her daughter.

No, she had given that right up to call her that. She wasn't her daughter anymore.

They had taken their daughter.

Evelina was gone. Her darling was gone.

She had lost her baby.

And now she truly knew what it felt like to be alone.

Her fear and fight, all the things that had caused Kallie to jump up only moment before seeped out of her, and nothing replaced it. No thoughts, no pain, no regret, anger or tears. Nothing. The woman was an empty husk, numb to the point of no return - alive but only by definition; her heart still beat, but all the things that made one human, the joy, pain hate, love were gone.

To cope with the pain, she had lost all the good. Although it would take months to realize it, Kallie had turned into her mother.

Perhaps it was the memory and fear her mother had instilled in her, still hiding somewhere beyond the air tight steal walls around her mind, that drove the woman after hours - she had no idea how long, track of time completely lost - of laying on her side, staring blankly at the wall, the shallow but steady movement of her chest, and the occasional blink of her eyes the only sign that she was alive, she got up.

No warning, no other sign of movement, merely a sudden sitting up, a slight pause and then she was on her feet taking slow shaky steps towards the cradle. Stopping above it, her empty gaze stared at the small box for a long time before she registered what she was seeing.

A small square of paper, two simple words written upon it.

thank you

A quivering hand picked it up. She flipped it over. A photo. She didn't even know when it had been taken - by one of the nurses more likely than not, taken when she was too bewitched by Evelina to notice anything else. Her face in the photo certainly looked entranced . Her daughter, this was the only photo she'd have of her, the only time they were ever together.

Her hand was beginning to shake more and more violently as she looked at the photo, as each of the realizations slide into place. With each muted realization the flood gates in her brain lifted - more and more pain was escaping her defenses. Her legs were quivering now. Her whole body shook. The gates were almost completely gone, and she was about to be washed away.

Alone.

A strangled sob, airways blocking the breath like she was panicking, only she knew she wasn't. Her legs gave out and there was no one there to catch her. Alone - she was completely alone. She had thought she understood alone before this moment.

Managing to catch herself at the last moment, her hand stopping from crashing into the ground like a rag doll. Her breath was coming out chopped between each sob, her eyes becoming heavy from the tears. She wasn't sure she could make them stop, she wasn't sure she wanted them to. Somehow they made it hurt just a fraction less.

Lost in the middle of a storm, Kallie saw every moment of her life, every decision she made, and how they had all brought her here. Devoid of companionship, comfort, love - that last stubborn flower in the depth of fall, a lost cub separated from her mother.

Alone.

She had sealed her fate, nailed her coffin shut on her own. She deserved it really. Broken, crying a hospital room floor.

Alone.